| Hi Xanga, glad to see that you're still alive. I just got back from a very long slumber. Sorry if I wasn't able to update this for a very long time. So what has happened to me lately? Well, I'm currently taking up my summer term in DLSU. I got to know better this nice gurl in our block, the gurl which I'm deeply in love right now, even though lately she made me realize that I'm just nothing to her, and that maybe she still has feelings for another guy, or maybe she was forced to act lovingly towards me. Whatever the case may be, it hurts so bad, more like a mortal wound, a killing insult, a deadly poison. Nonetheless, I chose to stay, and be with her for her times in need, even if she doesn't want me around anymore. Maybe I will get to meet another gurl who would make me feel that I'm actually of value. I hope I will get to see the day that I will meet someone made just for me. And I hope she realizes that I'm willing to give myself, and all that I have and I am, to her. Sounds like some martyr's words, right? Yeah, maybe I am a martyr. Maybe I am so emotional. But, what the heck? Everything has its own benefits and downsides. Fortunately for me, being a little emo gives benefits. But, unfortunately for me, also, being emo can kill. And maybe, I will die because of my love for that gurl, and how that gurl treated me, like some worthless piece of junk thrown at the side of the road, to be stepped on and ignored. After all the moments we shared, the tears that we cried, the hugs so tight, how she held my hand so tight, how she rest her head on me, and how she said she'll always be there for me, after all those, she threw me away. I guess noone will ever know why she chose to do that. It's her own action. It's her own responsibility. But noone should blame her if I chose to die because of this. Noone could blame her for my despicable fate. Noone can blame her for what I've become, a vile, worthless, anomaly walking this earth. Noone may blame her if I die, buried six feet under, and be forgotten for all eternity. Besides, who am I to be remembered? Who am I to be given just a little speck of importance and respect? Who am I to be treated like a normal person? Who am I to be given those things, if I could not even make a single speck of an impact on other people, especially on hers. If those moments we shared were nothing, then I am also nothing. I guess the name implies: IAN...I Am Nothing. I guess the curse is true. I guess I really am nothing, of no value, not even residual value in accounting. I do have an estimated useful life, or should I say, just estimated life, because I was of no use to anyone. I was of no importance to anyone. I was nothing to everyone. Well, that basically a summary of my recent dillema. I hope that maybe I could still see myself add another entry here. Until next time...if there is such a thing. |
